Life Goes On

March 15, 1991

Dear diary Today was a fun day. Mom decided to take me to the skating rink for my birthday! All of my friends were theyre. Mom didn’t say much but I think she even had some fun to. It was nice to see her smile again. She hasnt really smiled in so many months…like forever. Every time I go to pee at night I hear things that sound like sniffing coming from her room I ask her whats wrong and she always tells me to be a sweet girl and go back to bed. I just wanna see her smile again

April 1, 1991

Dear diary, I wish we could back to my birthday. I dont know what to do for my mom. She thinks that I dont know what’s happening but I think Im getting more smarter every day. I know why Daddy left I know it’s not because he got a new job like Mom said. Some men came and put bracelets around his wrists and they wouldnt let him put his hands in front. I see men on tv do that to people when they get in trouble. Dad must be in trouble. Mom told me to go back in my room but the red and blue lights wouldnt let me go to sleep. then she cried for the rest of the night after they left. And its been some weeks and she is still crying herself to sleep every night. And she checks the doors at night and tells me not to go near windows after 7. I dont know why cause every time I look out there when she goes to sleep there is only one car out there. i wish I knew who was in the car.

April 15, 1991

Dear diary, Mom is getting worse. I heard her on the phone with my auntie and Daddy isnt at his new job anymore. I think he left without asking because now the men from the red and blue lights cant find him again. Mom is worried that Daddy will come back but I want him to come back. We were sometimes a happy family when he was here. I think so. Mommy didn’t like being around him some of the time cause Dad always was yelling. He always said that Mom sheltered me too much but I dont really know what that means. I don’t know if I should miss Daddy. But Mom seems scared of him now. The red and blue men don’t have to bring him back to us.

April 30, 1991

Dear diary,

I am scared now. Mom wont let me go outside unless Im with her. And when I get back from school we have to run in and out of the house fast. Im not sure why shes running. The one car is still outside of my window. The lights were flashing the other day but I dont wanna tell Mom so I dont scare her. I dont think anyone is in the car but the windows are really dark so I cant see. Its probably the red and blue men checking to see if Daddy came back from where he escaped. Mom’s crying more and more but now she makes me sleep in the room with her. I don’t mind because I can be closer to her but I still don’t understand why she is crying. Are they still looking for Daddy? Will they ever find him?

May 2, 1991

Dear diary,

            Dad found my mom before we found him.

July 20, 1991

Dear diary, 

           The psychology lady keeps telling me to write down how I feel during our sessions and my aunt agrees. But I dont know what to write down. I dont know what words to use to explain that my mom isnt here anymore. The psychology lady knows that. My aunt knows that. She cries about it every night while my cousins sob over the loss of their aunt. I dont know how to say how much I hate my dad and how much I miss my mom. I dont know how to say that I shouldve told the police (they are the blue and red people) about the car outside my window that Dad was watching us in. Maybe this wouldve turned out differently. Maybe I wouldnt be crying with my aunt every night about my mom being gone. Maybe I could see my mom smile one more time. But how do I write that down?

January 2, 1992

Dear diary,

       I hate this thing now. It reminds me of how it’s my fault that Mom died. I hate this, I hate my dad, and I hate me.

December 15, 1992

Dear diary,

         I can’t do this anymore. It’s been a year and a half, and the psychologist says that I need to move on and focus on adjusting to 9^th grade. I think that means that I need to get rid of this once and for all. Maybe I need to stop reading over all of the bad things that I wrote and reminding myself of what happened to Mom. Maybe my aunt can stop worrying about me so much. She has her children to take care of too. Maybe I can stop reliving the night of being awakened by my mom carrying me to my room in a panic and threatening me not to come out. I don’t know what happened other than the front door to the house being forced open, a person, who I later discovered to be my mom, being thrown against the wall and my dad yelling at the top of his lungs. But that’s all I remember. I try my best to block that night out. I try my best. But, every now and then, there are still flashbacks. There are still flashbacks that bring me to my knees. She wouldn’t want this. She wouldn’t want me to be unhappy. So that’s why I need to get rid of this. I need to enjoy my years of high school and push that day out of my mind.

For my mom.

June 4, 1995

Dear journal,

                 I’m graduating from high school. After my rebellion phase, it’s hard to believe that this day would come. But, I can’t take all of the credit. Mom is up there watching over me, and she led me back to the right path. She helped me learn that leaving the diary alone for a while would help me get better. And, it did. Deciding not to torture myself was the best decision ever. I’m going to nursing school, and I met a great guy. I’m doing everything that I know she would want me to do, and I’m moving on.

Time to go out into the real world with her smiling down at me.

May 2, 2004

Dear journal,

              I’m putting you somewhere safe, but it’s time to let go.

 Don’t worry. I’m doing okay. Her name is Lily.

“Well, it’s the 2^nd. Did you have the nightmare?”

“You know what?.... No. No, I didn’t. Yeah, it’s the 2^nd, but I didn’t wake up screaming. I didn’t wake up calling her name. I didn’t even wake up in a pool of sweat. It  just didn’t happen.”

Dr. Thomas smiled at me and wrote some notes down on her notepad. I guess you can call this a bit of a breakthrough. It’s going on 7 months since I discovered my mom’s journal. 7 months since I actually found out the truth about how my grandmother died and why no one ever even mentioned my grandfather.

“Lily, I have to say…I’m quite proud of you. Not only did you go without having the nightmare, but you look…happier. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you walk in here with a smile on your face. By no stretch of the imagination am I saying that you’re cured or even completely better, but you’re making progress. You are definitely making progress.”

Smiling at her words, the rest of the session passed by in a breeze. Instead of it feeling like I was trying to repress my feelings, they just came out so easily. We actually finished up early, giving me time to tell the one person that I knew would be thrilled at the news.

------

“Hi, Mom.”

The sky was bright, the air was cool, and my heart was full. Today really was turning out to be a great day.

“I just wanted to say something that I know you’ll be happy to hear. It’s been a while since I’ve visited, and I apologize for that. I was just mad at you for keeping such a huge secret from me. Granny being killed by your father? That’s huge. Now, I realize why you always told me to stay out of the attic. And as soon as you weren’t there to tell me no, I went up there. I went up there, and I found your journal. Your journal that told me everything. Your journal that told me the one thing about you that I didn’t already know.”

Wiping away a tear, I forced a smile. I knew this was going to be hard to do, but what a relief it was to get it off of my chest.

“How strong you must have been, Mom. How strong for you to hear the death of your mom, know that it was your dad, and still continue living your life. I only wish that you were here for me to tell you how proud I am.”

Bending down, I dragged my hand along her headstone. The fresh flowers that I put down really brightened up the place, almost as if she was shining even from 6 feet under. No surprise there.

“I understand why you didn’t let me know. I was all that you had since Dad walked out on us. You didn’t want me to go through what I’ve been going through for the past 7 months with the nightmares and such. To be honest, you’re not here anymore, so chances are that I would’ve been going through something either way. I would give anything for it to be 7 and a half months earlier, but that drunk driver obviously had a different plan.”

The tears were coming a lot faster now, but I welcomed them. I might as well get it all out right now.

“I’m fine. For 28 years, you always told me that Heaven was a place to strive for. You may have gone a little earlier than I planned, but that’s life. I got through my first month without the nightmare. But, I know what you’d say if you were here. ‘You have many more months ahead of you’. And, you know what? I’m looking forward to them.”

Surprisingly, that was the truth. The past almost 8 months had been difficult to get through, putting it lightly, but I had no doubt in my mind that I would get through this. Even without her being here. I can do it.

“Don’t worry, Mom. I’m doing okay”.